The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
