i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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