my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
