she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
