I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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