I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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