alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
