I just threw up on my dentist
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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