Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
