dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
