I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
