So drunk its hurt
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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