Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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