That's when you crack a 10am beer
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
