I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
