my shit smells like andre
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
