I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
