so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
