I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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