Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
