I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
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At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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