I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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