Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
did you just send me my own nude
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
