If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
