i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
