I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
