the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
