Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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