im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
