The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
