And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
