Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
