You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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