I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
