I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
