and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
