I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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