he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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