He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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