I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
