Where did you get a picture of my penis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
