I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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