I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Randomize
