I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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