Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
