I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
