i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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