What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
