i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
