My underwear smells like fireworks.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
