Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
