Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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