I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Everclear isn't food dammit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
