My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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