Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She bit a glass in half.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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