The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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