thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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