I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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